The things you said, I'm rehearsing them.

hi,
I'll be shifting to itwaswritteninblood.wordpress.com
But if you find me not updating there,
I might have came back here again.
Yes.

see ya'll there.

Come,
Watch me destroy myself.
Its not a thrilling show,
But definitely exciting to watch for some.

Judge me?
You want to judge me?
please go ahead.
Because I really can't be bothered anymore.
Maybe I'll disappoint some people but well well,
What do we have here.
You know what,
I really can't be bothered.

I was there.
I was there shouldering shit God knows how many years of my life.
I've seen it real damn ugly.
Seen it turn real shit.
And you can turn around,
Start making noises, hissing away at me.
Well you know what,
Go home.
Go home to where you belong.

And all of you,
Don't wait for me.

I'll be at it all night long, finding a way to take destruction one notch higher.

And the night ends in soft rain,
And black all around,
And the red in our hands.

I'm sorry,
So sorry.
I hope you've stopped bleeding now.

Oh dear Lord help us all please,
Exam stress.

So well anyway,
Term comes to an end,
With that,
Half our poly lives have ended.
Time is passing so quickly i can't stand it.
But well,
I guess we just have to accept things.

These past few months has taught me much,
So much so that when I felt like giving up,
One things stopped me.
It was the fact that I have the most amazing of friends around.

Santhiya and Lisbeth.
Thanks you guys for being around.
You guys are just indescribably awesome.
HAHAHA yes yes please be flattered by this.
But ya,
There is no way I can express thank you to the both of you,
But you guys are amazing.

Huiling,
My dear sister-in-Christ!
HAHAHA well maybe I don't say it or show it,
But the love you showed me,
Is just....
Well stupid people like me fail to comprehend that kind of love i guess.
But all the same,
Thank you for not giving up on such a friend like me.
When times got rough between us,
You were just still holding on to our friendship huh.
You've been amazing,
Doing so much for the class and stuff.
Huiling = The expression of God's love.
HAHAHAHA.

Charlene!
Our daily late night conversations
Has saved my ass from the most frustrating and terrifying nights.
thank you for being there.
You are awesome and somehow,
I guess since we're rather similar,
The things you say just make a whole lot of sense to me.
hahaha

Jas and Liyana,
You bitches suck ok.
Liy what happened best friend?
HAHAAHAHAHAHA
Jas your best friend cannot, she fail.
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
But anyway,
You guys have been equally amazing too,
Just yea,
holding up and giving me well, good advice.
HAHAAHA ok la can pass la.

Justin!
HAHAHA dude if you're reading this,
Thanks for still meeting up,
And just well keeping me company when I needed it la.
HAHAHAHA
And yes,
All the best for your supplement business thing,
I'm still waiting for Creatine Ethyl Ester thank you very much.

Oh gawd,
I'm gonna take a few days to write for everyone.
But to all my friends out there,
Ones that I have not mentioned,
Is sorry very much.
But you're stil awesome I suppose. haha.
Well here's to the awesome holidays!

With downcast eyes,
There's more to living than being alive.

At least tonight's play had some cathartic value.

The night turns cold,
And it turns its fearsome back on me.
There is rain,
There is lightning.
There is thunder.
I cover my ears.
I sneak glimpses all around,
To stop the rain from getting in my eyes.
There is no one.
There is no one.

Waiting for reinforcement?
Waiting for the one with the lantern?
Or am I looking for a substitute flame?
I run to the store,
There is no more fuel.
No more fuel to keep the torch going.
The temples are deserted.
Their fire has died.
I take shelter in the store.

I sit where the fuel used to lie.
A dirty corner in the store,
Covered with hay and old pieces of wood.
It is dark and cold.
I sit down.
While doing so,
I stumble upon what appears to be manual.
I pick it up, look at its title.
The front reads, "The days of the white rider."
I open it,
I read it.
Such irony.
Such sad sad irony.
I grip the manual tight.
I grip my chains even tighter.
Chains I've been unable to get rid of.
Should I listen then?
Should I take heed from the signs of nature to release?
To release to the outer forces of the world?
To take heed to the words of the wise man whose teachings seem controversial?
Do I clear and make room for this heart of mine?

Well this heart has made room.
There is space.
This space shall not be termed as 'emptiness',
Because this space is special.
It is empty,
But its awaiting something good, I pray hope.

I will not stoop to magic.
I will not stoop to forces and power I have never worked with.
I will release, slowly.
But I await.
Because of inner wisdom,
Because of inner understanding that sees through the hearts of men.
Because of inner knowing of the future.

Because the banner that was struck down,
Shall be hoisted high in the sky once again,
Because the swords that were once broken will be reforged.
Because the foundations that were razed to the ground shall be rebuilt.
Because the temples that were once defiled shall be bestowed with honour,
Because the flame that was once burning,
Shall burn so brilliant like never before.

I know you.
I know you of old.
I know you all of old.
How i know,
Don't ask me.
So don't tell me you know.
Because you don't.
And I will wait.
I shall stand here and wait.

Come closer,
So I can scream in your face.
Everyone,
Come closer so I can scream in all your faces.

The semester draws to an end.
Everyone is gearing up for the final papers.
Mugging, late nights, and worrying about grades.
It is so funny to watch everyone.
Its like taking a videotape,
Rewinding and playing it over and over again.

Yes,
This videotape rewinded itself for the second time.
Suddenly the end of the term reminded me of  the end of last term.
Dreaded days of turmoil and sinking depressing states.
Now,
It rewinded,
Playing back all those memories.
The end of the semester may prove to be of use to me,
Or it may prove to break things apart again.

We humans are computer systems.
We all have the same available space and emptiness to be filled up by different software,
We select to install in our systems.
These softwares range from ideals, to values, to religion, to beliefs.
Softwares that are constantly being assimilated into our systems,
And software that have been there for decades long.
These softwares slowly combine into the different parts that we have.
Humans?
Are you just one entity?
Are there several beings in that single body of yours?
We all have struggles within our complex worlds.
That is why we develop parts,
The many different parts,
To serve as coping mechanisms in threatening times.
Those parts,
Those beings,
Then start building firewalls all around.
Walls that would block out things that we choose not to hear.
Walls that would defend us in times of threat.
Just that we forget,
Every wall has loopholes.
And little by little,
Rot sets in.
And we find ourselves feeling pain, yet empty at the same time,
Even with our walls and defences still standing tall.
And before you know it,
Even when we thought we were ok,
System crash.

Universality?
Everyone is like that.
Don't say you're different than others.
Don't say your system is stronger.
Don't tell me you're invincible,
And lies about the many things that you know you are not.
I'm in shit,
But inner wisdom gives me hope,
To know that everyone's system is the same.
Everyone's system was built by the same hands.
Those same pair of hands.

I tried.
I built firewalls.
All around me was covered in my fictional magnum opus.
At least I can now call it fictional.
I was surrounded in a world of delusion.
Thinking that updating software all the time would cover all of my vulnerabilities.
Then the time came for them to break apart.
Because I was weak.
Because of Maslow's hierarchy.
Because I gambled with my heart.
I should have never done that.
A timely approach to reach perfection?
Bullshit Mitchell, bullshit.
One programme installed showed me a world,
A world of person and time.
A world of perfection and place.
A world that was safe.
but that world remained a possibility.
I was struggling to deicide if it was fact, or fiction.
I decided to try.
I should have never tried.

And now,
I thought maybe there would be something left of the aftermath.
But there was nothing.
Emptiness is like a ghost that haunts these grounds.
annoying. yes, pun intended, annoying.
Gone with the wind.
 And now,
just who to turn to?
To the same worried faces all around me?
To the same systems all around that were made the same way?
To the same systems that are on the way to a breakdown?
Could you just awaken?
Then what,
Would you expect me to receive comfort from an invisible being who proves to be silent?
We are human.
This is how we were made.
Physical beings, touch and sensation.
And you expect me to take it like an immortal?
Well I tried.
You didn't let me.
So guess what,
I'll be sitting right here,
And will be waiting to scream at your face.
Ready to scream at all of your faces.

oh look, there's blood on my hands.

They had been the ones who've seen enough,
This is what you call love?

The nights have seem to get colder,
Is it just me,
Or have we all become colder?
Maybe we have,
Maybe we have.

They were right.
Time has begun its magic.
Numbness sets in,
Causing such an apathy to everything else important.
Slowly but steadily,
We are all rebuilding the walls that were torn down.
Is that a good thing?

Fear shakes inside me,
Behind those blinds.
I don't know anything about courage anymore.
I don't know anything about perseverance anymore.
All of a sudden,
The goal seems to have slipped out of my head.
Freedom,
Liberation,
Were they all good things to be begin with?

I lie in smog.
Wondering at how conviction has been removed from this picture.
How purpose has been rid of my existence.
There's really no point in living without purpose.
This is one thing I have truly learnt,
not just head knowledge.

Nevertheless,
I still quiver.
Inspiration seems to pass me by,
Trying to pull me along.
But her words fall on deaf ears.
Because there would only be one voice I would hear.
Suddenly,
The world seems a foreign place.
And I need desperately something to hold on to.
But what?
What is it that I am looking for?
What is it that we are all looking for?

Comparisons are easily done,
Once you've had the taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree,
I picked the ripest one,
But still got the seed.

Between the future and the past tense
Lies the present and the distance
So you think we're never coming back
Scoring points for passion and persistence
Between the lines and the highway
Lies the danger and the safety
You never thought this was gonna last
I always knew you'd never take it back

I always knew (I always knew)

I know it seems like we're never coming back
I know it feels like we're never coming back
You tried your best and you knew it wouldn't last
They were the words that she placed on her casket

Between the sadness and the smile
Lies the flicker of the fire
You always said this never hurt you
I always said you were a liar
With the all the towers and the wires
There still lies a little silence
Two hearts and one connection
One voice lacks emotion now

I always knew (I always knew)

Instead of flowers like words that never mattered
Close it off forget about the sadness
(close it off forget about the sadness)
He always said she should have tried crying
Blaming him, as she was lying down

Not coming back (Not coming back)
Not coming back (Not coming back)

Come on, take a step towards me
So you can figure me out
I've been hoping and praying for a single way
To show you what I'm all about
And I know, and I know this is the only way of pleasing the crowds
But when this is over and done with and we walk away
There should be no doubts

So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

Come on love run with me
Get the hell out of this town
So we can get a better feel for each other
I'll take you, back to, when you
Remembered how you used to
Just live your life a little for me
Take the time to let it go
Step away and watch me grow


So let's get a little closer now
Let's get a little closer now

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try
You can stay if you want to
And I write to you and tell you how you've always been so special to me
You can stay if you want to, and I’ll try

To keep you close to me

You say, you say that we're all tied up
And wrapped around in useless, useless states of mind
But at the same time we're still young
We have the time to realize that we were wrong

I stand there,
Overlooking the wretched site.
It looks hideous,
Left with nothing more, but the ruins of war.

I look through the smog,
An air of heaviness surround the soldiers I walk slowly past,
Their faces;
Hidden behind those small smiles,
Are the feelings of shame, guilt and grief.
They barely move,
But sit and lie there,
Exhausted from the long and draining fight.

I stare hard at the ruins all around me.
In front of me,
The once glistening white castle,
Now destroyed and torn apart,
Looks nothing more but a pile of debris.
The banners we once lifted high in the air,
Left charred in the fire surrounding the castle.

We did not win.
Where was all that glory we once knew?
Where is the battle cry we once raised?
Where are the swords we once lifted against the enemy?
Where are the trumpets we once blew to go to war?
They are not here.
They have gone.
Will they come back?

They say,
That a warrior's worse loss, is not his life,
But his dignity, and everything he stands for.

I was born an idealist.
I have lived like an idealist.
And may I die, an idealist.

Screw you Maslow's hierarchy.
Screw you Katy Perry.
Screw you tenacity.

I feel like an imbecile.

Yet when I want to say I'm sorry,
I look behind just to see just who I want to apologise to.
Am I doing it for doing it's sake?
Or maybe, happiness and peace is all I want.

Trying to put down in words,
All that I have to say,
Would only come out in one word.
Loss.
I'm both lost, and I feel at a loss.
Dragging your feet day by day just to get out and live gets tiring.
Sure there was Poly50.
Sure there was SP Got Talent.
Sure there were the many things I'd distract myself with.
But then,
When things become quiet.
Will the inertia,
Ha, inertia..
Will the inertia from sometime back spin me around and around again.
I cannot keep sourcing for distraction.
Its tiring and most certainly draining.

This is all just,
A huge whirlwind of convictionless existence.
A still picture of many lines,
But yet,
No meaning.
Its depth is just hidden, or pray not, ridden from the face of it.
Scarred with all the austerities of the past,
Merry merry austerity, you shall not mortify me.
Though sometimes,
It is scary.
Because that drive,
That warrior's drive,
Still mortifies my very being to this day.
It still fashions the very look of my mind.
These decorous value systems,
These fancy mechanisms that would guise themselves to be as pure as gold.
Well they look most disgusting to me.
And I would strive with every breath I have
To abhor the roots of my very being.
But like I said,
They are my roots.
From the time of birth,
To these times of psychological apocalypse.
I am shutting down,
I want to.
This dilemma of decades,
Has finally driven me to my moratorium.
Where every thought,
Every drive,
Every motivation,
Will now be filtered away by that layer of numb,
By that software of moratorium,
Programmed by myself into my system.
This is how I live.

I looked behind me,
I looked in front of me.
I looked all around me,
But there was nothing.

Hope dangles on a string,
Like slow spinning redemption.
Winding in,
Winding out,
The shine of it has caught my eye.

You roped me in so,
Mesmerising so,
Hypnotising,
I am captivated I am,

Vindicated,
I am selfish
I am wrong,
I am right,
I swear I'm right,
Swear I knew it all along.
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well,
I am seeing in me now,
The things you swore you saw yourself,

So clear,
Like the diamond in your ring,
Cut to mirror your intetnion,
Oversized and overwhelmed,
The shine of which has caught my eye.
You're underneath so,
Isolated so,
Motivated I am,
Certain now that I am,

Vindicated,
I am selfish,
I am wrong,
I am right,
I swear I'm right,
Swear I knew it all along,
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now,
The things you swore you saw yourself.

This is funny,
They say forbidden fruit is always sweeter.
I haven't eaten,
But I don't wish to have it anymore.

There is a saying,
That Courage is not the absence of fear,
But the act of facing your fears.

Courage,
Would you come magically to me right now.
Because even if there are promises of better days ahead,
I don't wish to see them.
I really don't.
Just months back,
There I was,
Living in a dream.
A dream that was slowly, subtlely getting ready to push me off the cliff.
I was going to face the challenges ahead of me.
The great plan that I had,
Almost crafted to perfection.
I positioned myself,
Finally laying down what I deemed as my trump card,
Steadying myself for a 'great big win'.
Only to turn behind and realised,
That the hand I placed behind my back,
Was holding on to nothing.
There was nothing, nothing at all.
I knew and I know,
That I was and I am looking for that hand to hold,
But no,
There were none.
That hand wasn't there.

And now,
That gamble I took,
Has cost a lifetime of work,
A lifetime of craft,
One that any man would be proud of.
So I'm sorry,
And I'm not trying to get anyone's pity damn it.
But its just,
even though I think I don't care,
I'm not alright.

But I'll still be thankful for the many friends,
The many many friends.
and yes,
FOR LISBETH AND SANTHIYA especially,
Thank you.
Even though I'd like to be able to help all of you with what you all are going through now,
I'm afraid I can't do it for now.
But please take care.

If I could I'd take a look at your eyes,
Because you obviously can't see how broken everything has become,
If I could I'd find out why we need love,
Because there are people who need to be invincible.
And I'd break everything to pieces,
For it will be written in blood.

I'm sorry,
But I really can't not be bothered,
That you aren't bothered.
I have tried my best to keep this and you at the back of my head,
But sorry,
I'm going insane.
And you're not even there to see it.

If you would,
Then give me my life to live.
If not,
Please feel free to take it from me.

Knock me out,
Kill my memory.
I want to feel this was all a bad dream.
I want to bleed,
Just to know that I'm still alive.
I'd rather be gone right now,
Than to have my strength wane and slowly collapse.
I don't wish it to look that ugly.
Stab me,
I won't retaliate.
I really won't.
Please don't say I didn't try to pull my act together.
Please don't say I didn't try to get out and live.
Please don't say I didn't try to give up and move on.
Please don't say I've never tried.

Good God,
I'm on my knees now.
I'm really on my knees now.
I've been up at this all my life,
Please let me go now.
I'm really on my knees.

Use me as you will,
Pull my strings just for a thrill.
I know I'll be okay,
Though my skies are turning grey.

just die,